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Putt-putt-ing his money where his mouth is
Blackbeard
Calling Bryce a 'casual miniature golfer' would be a gigantic understatement. You know, just like calling him 'kind of a nerd.'
With just three weeks to go until the U.S. Open golf tournament, I am busy working on my game. By which, of course, I mean drinking beer. Now that's not to say that playing golf is as simple as cracking open a couple of cold ones. No, sir. You also have to know how to operate a golf cart. That's why I prefer my golf in a much more challenging and emasculating form: miniaturized. I mean, why use grown-up-size golf equipment when you can just pretend you're an 8-year-old trapped in a Dr. Seuss book? For years, I have opted for the smaller — or, if you want to get all PC about it, "vertically challenged" — version of the game. Whether it's the undersized plastic windmills or the colorful golf balls that attract me, I'm not exactly sure. Wait, yes I am. I love miniature golf because I'm totally awesome at it. Oh, yes, you read right. I just bragged about my miniature golfing ability. Laugh if you will, but ask yourself this question: "Did all that hard work and practice get me a full scholarship to college while you wasted away your life doing stuff like watching TV with your friends and going to the senior prom?" No. But that's not important. What IS important is that I earned enough tickets from my good play to get that sweet plastic helicopter for my imaginary girlfriend. (OK, so we both wanted it.) Speaking of imaginary women, in an attempt to share my love of miniature golf this holiday weekend, I decided what better way than to force her to play a few holes with me at Blackbeard's Cove in Mount Pleasant. Because we were just playing for fun, I decided it would be a good idea to not keep score. However, if we had, I would have beaten her by 14 shots. But like I said, we weren't keeping score. As for the secret to my success, well, when playing miniature golf, it's important to always follow these key tips: 1. Keep your head still. 2. Swing the putter with your shoulders, not your hands. 3. Always ask for a "redo" if it doesn't go in. (Good examples of reasons for redos include: "You were moving while I was trying to hit," "You were talking while I was trying to hit," "You were holding perfectly still and not talking while I was trying to hit," etc.) Following tips like these is what has earned me the nickname, "That weird old guy who comes up here on weekdays after we get out of school trying to get us to play for our lunch money." Which reminds me: I will totally destroy any 6-year-old willing to take me on. Now you might be asking yourself: "Why stop there, Bryce? Why not take on disabled people and senior citizens?" Well, for one, I'm a classy guy. And two, it's way more fun making little kids cry. But you're right. If I were truly confident in my miniature golfing abilities, I'd be asking to take on Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson or any of the other greats of golf. After all, it can only help grow the wonderful game that is miniature golf. So I'm changing my tune. Consider this an invitation, fellas. Bring it on. But I'm going to go ahead and warn you: I've got my favorite Koozie ready to go.
Bryce Donovan is playing a lot of miniature golf recently because it's the only physical activity his doctor will let him do. Unless you count complaining as a physical activity. Challenge him (not really, because he'd probably lose) at 937-5938 or
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