It Beats Working	Bill on Movies

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The complete (broken) package

PROVIDED

And here we see a rare moment when Bryce is not being attacked by a throng of turned-on women.

My neck hurts. My eyesight stinks. And my hearing is making a break for it.

At 33 years old, I should be in my prime. Instead, I'm in a huge plastic neck brace and a pair of glasses Elton John wouldn't be caught dead wearing. Instead of sending out that, "Sorry, ladies, I'm taken" vibe, I'm putting off more of a "Aw, poor little fella must have just gotten spayed" look.

Imagine a lamp shade vomiting Harry Carey and that's what I look like. But if there's a bright side to all this, my hair is thinning. Wait, that's not a bright side. What I meant to say is at least I'm engaged. Although, to be totally honest, my fiancee said she's seriously considering making a few changes to the wedding in light of my looks.

HER: "Honey, I love you. You know that. But I was thinking maybe you could ..."

ME: "Take off the neck brace and glasses and tough it out for the wedding?"

HER: "... Do your part over the phone."

Of course I am only joking. She's pushing for a stand-in.

But I'm getting away from my point, and that is: I have just written 15 sentences without really having a point. Wait, no. My point is: Though I'd like to stand up and take the blame for this myself, the truth is, it's all my parents' fault.

That's right, thanks to the spectacular genes passed along from Lynnette and Randy Donovan, by the time I'm 40, I should be using expressions like, "Back in my day," and, "What would Matlock do," while yelling at the trees in the back yard to, "Keep it down!"

Now, to be fair, it's not like all this happened in the past week. For years I have had disc issues, beginning with the phase where, after visiting the doctor for mild neck pain, I began sporting a big, soft neck brace everywhere for several months. This prompted hilarious one-liners such as, "Wow, I didn't know they made inflatable turtlenecks," "It's a good thing your face distracts from the brace," and, "Just when I thought you couldn't look like a bigger dork." And those were just from my mom.

As for my eyesight, well, it's been bad ever since eighth grade. I'll never forget asking my history teacher, Mr. Adamee, if he could tell me what the word was he had just written on the blackboard. I don't remember his exact response, but I believe it was something along the lines of: "I'm actually Mrs. Giles, your math teacher." Naturally, after regaining consciousness, I went to see (or not see, as the case was) the eye doctor.

For about 10 years, I wore contacts. The problem was, I wore the same pair the entire time. Nobody told me you were supposed to wear them for two weeks and then throw them out (tragically, this is the same way I learned about changing the oil in my car). This ignorance on my part led to a condition my eye doctor referred to as, "You're an idiot."

Which brings us to today: Big neck brace. Big glasses. Great big nerd.

Why I'm telling you all this, I'm not really sure. OK, yes I am. It's so I can vent a little bit and get some sympathy from you. But you know what? That's not fair to you. You don't deserve this. So I'm going to save the rest of the moaning and complaining for my dentist appointment next week.

They tell me I'm going to need head gear.

Bryce Donovan recently has been contacted about being photographed for a new billboard campaign for the National Association for Birth Control. Ridicule him and his sweet new look at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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