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You'll be wanting a cruise from your cruise

20th century fox

Bryce never really got that 'I'm king of the world' feeling on his last cruise.

Taking a cruise is a relaxing way to flush your hard-earned money down the toilet.

Of course I am only joking. A cruise isn't relaxing.

Sure, it sounds like a good idea. "I'll take a cruise," you say. "Get away from all those annoying people at the office." But you know what ends up happening? They all show up on the boat. Not the exact same people, mind you, but for all intents and purposes, it might as well be them. The only real difference being the people on the boat are wearing less. Which, as you will quickly learn, is a very bad thing.

But that doesn't mean that taking a cruise can't be an enjoyable endeavor. In fact, not everything about cruising is awful if you know some basics rules. By preparing yourself for what's to come, you can take an otherwise awful experience and transform it into an amazing below-average time. By knowing these handy cruising tips, you will be ready to embark on your first trip on the high seas. And, quite possibly, last.

YOU WILL GET A "CRUISE CARD."

When traveling on a cruise, they don't let you use cash for anything. That way, they kind of lull you into thinking you aren't really spending any money. Their thought being, if you had to fork over $12.50 every time you ordered a beer, you'd probably think twice about drinking 45 of them at dinner (Mom). That's why cruise lines have sneakily devised the "cruise card." This handy piece of plastic allows you to order drinks, buy souvenirs and rack up a bill the size of the gross national product of Ecuador.

YOU WILL EAT LIKE A PIG.

From the time you get up in the morning to that awkward moment in the middle of the night when your room tenant, James, inadvertently wakes you up while trying to put a slice of pepperoni pizza in your mouth, you are bombarded with food. If you want to have a dozen Angus burgers delivered to your room in the middle of the day and then five lobster tails at dinner, you are more than welcome to do so, and it's all included in your cruise fare. Ironically, however, if you want something to wash it all down, like a glass of water, that costs $24.50.

YOU WILL MAKE "CRUISE FRIENDS."

Along the course of your cruise, you will make "cruise friends." Cruise friends are much like regular friends except that you would never hang out with cruise friends in real life.

Harsh as that may sound, the truth is, when you're on a cruise, there are many forced relationships. For instance, every night at dinner you are assigned to sit at a table with, at minimum, three of the most annoying people you've ever met in your life (read: New Jersey natives). On my previous cruise, I had seven of them at the table with me. Sadly, they were all guys I had booked my cruise with. But still, who said I wanted to sit with them?

YOU WILL DEFINITELY GAMBLE.

Nowadays, cruise ships are 10-story shopping malls filled with restaurants, swimming pools, duty-free shops, bowling alleys, putt-putt courses, movie theaters and rock-climbing walls. But in order to get to anywhere on the ship, even if you simply want to visit the person in the room next to yours, you have to pass through a casino. And since you're there, you might as well lose $500 playing blackjack. Hey, it's not like it costs money. Put it on your cruise card.

AVOID DOING ANYTHING.

After getting abused at the blackjack table, you will learn that you should avoid doing any extracurricular activities while on a cruise. Whether it's playing bingo or simply going onshore to explore the rich culture of whatever country you're visiting, DON'T DO IT. Because if there's one thing cruise lines aren't afraid to do, it's charge you. But if there's a bright side, most things are ridiculously overpriced. Wait, that's not a bright side. Never mind.

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

Don't let me frighten you. Yes, most everything from using the Internet to ordering a Coke costs money, but the way cruise lines try to make it up to you is by treating you, every night, to a free show featuring one of the hottest dancers, singers or comedians — from 1982.

CRUISING TIP NO. 37: Get a captain's uniform from your local costume rental store and wear it on the cruise.

In addition to getting free drinks the whole time, it also will allow you to freak out fellow passengers by constantly saying, while looking at your watch, "Whoops, my shift started 30 minutes ago!"

Bryce Donovan learned the hard way, after misplacing one of the beach towels from his stateroom, that it's actually cheaper to have a replacement towel custom-knitted in Europe and then helicoptered out to the boat than to pay the service charge to have it replaced. Console him at

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