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Chalk this one up to Pilates error

Alan Hawes
The Post and Courier

No, Bryce isn't at the gynecologist's office. He's doing Pilates.

There's a new craze sweeping the nation and it's called Pilates. Or maybe I'm thinking of Facebook. Either way, the point is Pilates is pretty popular. To prove my point, here's an excerpt from the previous sentence of this column which states: "Pilates is pretty popular."

So now that we're in agreement that Pilates is pretty popular and possibly sweeping the nation, the next obvious question is: What is Pilates? Well, after spending more than an hour on Tuesday at Core Essentials Pilates studio in West Ashley, I think I am more than qualified to tell you: I have no idea. But this much I'm can tell you: I'll probably be confined to a wheelchair for the next four to five weeks.

Why? Because Pilates is really, really hard. Especially for a 6-year-old girl like me.

Brought to the U.S. in the early 1960s by a German guy named Joseph Pilates, it's a system of mind and body exercises that build strength without excess bulk. In other words, on paper it's the perfect type of exercise for somebody like me who relies on his mom to help with hard-to-open things like pickle jars, heavy doors and juice boxes. Unfortunately, workouts don't take place on paper.

Imagine getting tangled up in a hammock during a Category 5 hurricane and that's kind of what Pilates is like. Only with more Spandex.

Though it originally began with simple exercises that could be performed on a mat, it has since evolved into something much more complex, often incorporating great big machines. If you've never seen one of these things, they kind of look like some sort of kinky sex machine. (I'm guessing). The only difference being: In Pilates, there's no safety word.

Now because no person without a degree in astrophysics could possibly know what to do with one of these contraptions, it's always best to have an instructor on hand at all times. I was assisted by Core Essentials studio owner Buffy "Please Don't Make Any Stupid 'Vampire Slayer' Jokes" Gillespie. (Note to self: Remove that joke at the end of this paragraph. And the next. And the next.)

She and I started off with a few simple exercises like stretching and taking deep breaths before moving on to more advanced moves such as "Hopping Frog" and "Tearing My Left Hamstring."

For the next 45 minutes or so, I painfully made my way through exercises on machines with names like "The Reformer," "Cadillac" and "That Chair In The Waiting Room When Gillespie Looked The Other Way."

Though I have my own opinions about Pilates, I think it was Joseph Pilates himself who said it best: "After 10 sessions you'll feel better. After 20 sessions you'll look better. And after 30 sessions your limbs will fall off."

OK, so I made that last part up. His quote was actually a little more inspirational than that. I think he said something about being healthier. Or staying in school. I don't really remember, Gillespie told me this at the end of the workout, and I was lucky to even be standing up under my own power much less accurately jotting down inspirational quotes. However, I think the underlying spirit of both Pilates' message and mine is the same. And that is: Pilates, when done under the direct supervision of a qualified trainer, is a great workout.

If you're training to become a vampire slayer.

Bryce Donovan is currently looking to purchase a Rascal scooter to get through the next couple of weeks. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.