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Sales of beverage, not so ‘hot'

TANNER ERVIN

While attempting to sell hot chocolate in a local neighborhood on Tuesday, Bryce takes a moment to thank a rare motorist for not flicking him off.

When most people see little kids selling lemonade, they usually say, 'Aww, how adorable.'

I'm no different. Except that I pronounce the word 'adorable' as: 'stupid.'

Here's my thinking: Name one person who's ever made a million dollars off a lemonade stand. OK, yes, I'll grant you that the CEO of Country Time probably came close as a child. But even he made only, like, $7.50.

So what's holding the industry back, you might be wondering? Well, if business school taught me anything it's that: I never went to business school. But had I gone, I would probably say that the real reason the lemonade-stand industry is struggling as a whole is because kids are selling the wrong beverage.

I mean, it makes sense if you think about it (while eating paint chips): Why would anybody want a refreshing glass of lemonade when it's hot? After all, a cold beverage only draws attention to the fact that it's sweltering outside.

That's why, on Tuesday — with the mercury topping out at a toupee-melting 95 degrees — I tried something a little different. I set up a hot chocolate stand.

Right now you might be saying: 'Bryce, are you on crack? What moron would buy HOT CHOCOLATE when the heat index outside is 110 degrees?' To which I'd respond: 'Where the heck were you earlier? You really could have saved me a LOT of time. Thanks for waiting until, like, paragraph 10 to speak up.'

But you know what, Mr. Know-It-All? Things weren't as bad as you might think. Sure sales were a little sluggish at first, but after several hours of hard work, things took a turn for the better when I blacked out from heat exhaustion. OK, so it was pretty terrible. But after I regained consciousness, I almost made a sale, as evidenced by the following conversation:

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: 'You're selling hot chocolate?'

ME: 'Yep.'

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: 'In the middle of June?'

ME: 'Yep.'

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: 'You're an idiot.'

ME: 'Yep.'

When all was said and done, I ended the day in the red. Or is it black? I can't ever keep those two straight. Whichever one means I lost money.

Anyway, not only was I out the $3.99 I spent on the delicious generic hot chocolate mix, but someone even had the nerve to steal my hot chocolate stand, too. Whether that someone was the cops returning it to the little kids up the street is completely irrelevant. The point is, I didn't think I was going to get caught.

Needless to say, it wasn't the most successful of days for yours truly.

But I did learn a valuable lesson when it comes to running a successful business, and that is: Never, under any circumstances, sell hot chocolate.

That's why I'm so excited about my latest product: New England-style clam chowder!

Look for me selling it this summer in a neighborhood near you.

And then call the police.

Bryce Donovan also thought about selling chili, but then realized people would need something like coffee to wash it down, and he didn't feel like having to prepare all that. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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