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Thank you for making me say thank you

So, I guess I should probably be thanking you for reading this column right now. But you know what? I'm kind of thank you'd out.

That's because for the past month or so, wedding presents have been rolling in the front door. Or, more accurately, rolling up TO the front door where they then sit until I get home from work, in which time, a renegade squirrel has had the chance to examine the contents of each box and even leave a "present" of his own inside.

But I'm getting away from my point, which is: When did his and her lawn gnomes become an appropriate wedding present?

Wait, no! That's not my point. My point is, while I very much enjoy getting placemats and monogrammed towels and scented candles and scented monogrammed candle placemats, it's the part afterward that is wearing me out. Of course, I am referring to paying return postage. Just kidding! I've only done that, like, three or four times. I'm talking about writing thank-you notes. I mean, sure, I love getting free stuff as much as the next guy, but does something that took somebody several hours to pick out and a couple hundred dollars really require me having to spend three minutes to say, "thank you"?

OK, so maybe I'm starting to understand why I was kicked off my high school debate team. But be that as it may, it still stinks to have to write those things. I can't explain it really, but YOU know what I'm talking about. For some reason, time stands still when you have to write thank-you notes.

That's why this week I've decided to share with you — gift-givers and gift-receivers — how you can help do your part to make thank-you note time a good time.

Or, at the very least, slightly more appealing than a root canal.

USE TEXT-MESSAGE-STYLE WRITING.

Sure, a more traditional thank-you note has things like "verbs" and "complete sentences" in it, but nothing says "I'm cool and/or possibly 11 years old" quite like using text-message style when writing a thank-you note. Not only is it quicker, it's way more confusing. For instance:

OMG, NE1 WHO ROX LIKE U, DSERVS A THANK U NOTE 4 THE AWSUM GIFT! LOL!

TTYL,

Bryce

P.S. ;)

DON'T FORGET THE HANDSHAKE.

Not every gift requires a thank-you note. For instance, if someone were to, say, drive you to and from work every day for three straight weeks while your car was in the shop, would that really require a thank-you note? I mean, let's face it, they didn't buy you anything. A simple handshake will do just fine.

USE THE ONE-OFF RULE.

When people make vague references to how they never got a thank-you note from you, say, "Wait, you didn't get my thank-you note? That's crazy, because I'm pretty sure I sent it to (insert address, but one number off)." Once they inform you of your "error," laugh while rubbing the person's back or upper thigh. This will uncomfortably shift the conversation, thus ultimately ending the friendship. Everybody wins!

CREATE A TEMPLATE.

If you're one of those sticklers who thinks sending a thank-you note means you actually have to sit down and write a thank-you note, take a few minutes to create a standard one that can be used for any occasion. For instance, here's a good one to copy:

Dear__________,

Thank you so much for the beautiful ____________. My lovely ___________ and I will certainly enjoy using it to do what it was made to do. We certainly enjoyed seeing you at the (circle one) ENGAGEMENT PARTY, SHOWER, "WHO'S THE BOSS?" COSTUME PARTY and we are so happy you (circle one) WERE/WERE NOT able to make it to the wedding.

Again, please give __________ my best.

Love,

___________

GET THE KIDS INVOLVED.

You know how kids are always wanting to scribble on stuff? Well, tell them to take a break from the walls or your neighbor's new car and give them a pen, a sheet of paper and make it into game. Tell them you'll take them to Chuck E. Cheese if they can find a way to use the words "incredible," "life changing" and "throw pillows" in the same sentence. Which leads me to my next tip, which is ...

AND THEN DON'T TAKE THEM TO CHUCK E. CHEESE.

Just kidding. My next tip is actually ...

REMEMBER TO GIVE GIFTS THAT AREN'T TERRIBLE.

Let's say somebody gives you a gravy boat. As the recipient of said gravy boat, your hands are kind of tied when it comes to writing a heartfelt thank-you note. I mean, try to think of one sentence about a gravy boat that doesn't sound ridiculous. For instance:

"Dear Bud and Ellen, thank you so much for the beautiful gravy boat. Now, I actually look forward to pouring gravy! In fact, I have started putting it on my morning cereal! What a lovely gift!"

That's why you should give better gifts. Next time, instead of a gravy boat, try giving a Porsche 911 Turbo.

GO THE EXTRA MILE.

Finally, when buying a present for someone, take a few extra minutes to enclose a heartfelt letter — to yourself, of course. Not only does it save the recipient time, it also saves them postage.

After all, who knows you better than yourself?

Bryce Donovan once wrote two thank-you notes and accidentally put them in the wrong envelopes, thus sending them to the wrong people. The recipients never said anything though, so for what it's worth, he thinks people might not even read them. So go ahead, use profanity! Reach him

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