Don't let children become victims of divorce

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It seems everywhere you turn these days, the news is all about divorce.

Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook are getting divorced. Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez are getting divorced. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are — or aren't — getting divorced.

And with a divorce rate that reportedly hovers somewhere between 40 percent and 50 percent, chances are your friends, co-workers or even you yourself might be getting divorced.

In South Carolina, there were 12,423 divorces in 2005, according to the most recent statistics from the National Center for Health Statistics.

Many times, those breakups can shake up the life of a child. Three-quarters of divorce attorneys in a 2007 survey said divorces are more contentious when children are involved.

"Divorce is never an easy experience," Gaetano "Guy" Ferro, last year's president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, said when the report was released. "Children can make it more difficult for the parties to reach reasonable agreements."

When adults decide they can no longer live together, if they also agree to put their own agendas on the back burner, the transition will be easier on the children. During this time, parents might be preoccupied with their own problems, but they continue to be the most important people in their children's lives, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

"Divorce is between Mom and Dad and not the kids," says Summerville family counselor Sherry Young. "At the same time, while the kids aren't responsible for the situation, it's going to mean changes in their lives."

As a result, they may act out, she says.

They may be mad, sad, anxious or afraid. They may blame themselves, believing that if they behaved better or got better grades, they could have prevented the divorce.

In actuality, divorce is often the result of fighting, changed feelings, an affair or an addiction.

"Kids need to know that they didn't cause the divorce, but they don't always need to know the real reason behind it," says Young.

It's important to keep the lines of communication open, she says.

"Listen to your kids. Let them talk about how they feel and don't discount their feelings," says Young. "Let them speak honestly, even if you don't agree with what they say or if it hurts your feelings. Listen and validate."

If your child doesn't have a trusted adult to talk to, consider a therapist, counselor or social worker or seek out a support group. There also are many children's books about divorce.

On the positive side, a divorce can result in kids having better relationships with their parents or tighter bonds with siblings or being more responsible, better problem-solvers or better listeners, experts say.

"I found that my children really opened up when we were alone in the car together," says David Schneider of Charleston, a father of two who divorced in 2003. "That's when they would really tell me how they felt about the split and what was on their minds. We had some of our best talks then."

Schneider says his children did not realize that their parents were hurt by the divorce, too.

"They felt like the victims, which is understandable," he says. "They didn't ask for this. They were mad that there were changes in their lives, but they didn't realize that there were changes in all of our lives. They missed having me there every day, but I missed being there, too."

Schneider says it was sometimes hard to filter the information he gave his kids, but he did it in their best interests, as did his former wife.

"We knew that arguing over custody would make the children feel worse," David Schneider says. "So we worked hard to at least be civil, and we both gave in on some points that were in the kids' best interests."

To minimize the disruption to the kids' lives, they decided they both would live in West Ashley, and the children would alternate weeks between the two houses.

Kaylie Greene, now 19, also alternated weekly between her parents' houses for several years after their 1995 divorce.

It often took a lot of planning.

"Coordinating doctor's appointments, school events and even playdates was difficult at first," says Kaye Greene of Summerville. "But then I got a calendar for Kaylie to keep with her. It was color-coded by where she would be staying each week, so she could look at it and know months ahead where she would be. Both my ex-husband and I wrote all of her activities and appointments in there so we could keep it all straight. I think it made Kaylie feel more secure."

E-mail also makes it possible for parents to communicate without having to speak with each other. In addition, many schools make it possible to keep up with students' progress and activities through Web sites.

Like many divorced parents, the Greenes also found it easier for Kaylie to have two of most things, Kaye Greene says.

"Sometimes that's not practical, but we did it with everything we could, from toothbrushes to shinguards for soccer," she says. "But that didn't stop either of us from having to make the occasional midnight run for a textbook or a school project."

Kaylie eventually decided she wanted to change the living arrangements.

"When I was 14, it became too much of a burden because I was more interested in spending time with my friends than at either parent's (home)," she says. "When I told my dad I wanted to stay with my mom, his feelings were hurt, but he understood because he saw how unhappy I was trying to live at both places."

Lee Greene, who now lives in Spartanburg, says Kaylie's decision turned out to be a good one.

"It was hard at first," he says. "I was sad that she didn't want to live at my house, but then I realized that she would still come over and we would still spend time together. Sometimes, parents just have to make some sacrifices for the sake of their children."

Brenda Rindge can be reached at 937-5713 or brindge@postandcourier.com.