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Have the Valentine of your life

Ah, Valentine's Day. That magical time of year when two kindred souls unite to show their undying love for one another by sharing, among other things, a $37 appetizer.

OK, so Valentine's Day is quite possibly the worst holiday of the year. For those of us in relationships it's a no-win situation, as illustrated below:

BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME: She still loves you at the end of the night and you're $400 lighter in the wallet.

MORE REALISTIC OUTCOME: You get her flowers, a nice card and then cook her a romantic dinner. Somewhere along the line she says, "So, no chocolates, huh? I guess you're trying to tell me I'm fat." And then she says if you don't mind, she'd like to be alone. It's not until after you start your car and begin to back out of the driveway that you realize you were just asked to leave your own house. Instead of trying to argue with her, you make the smart decision to sleep in your car until next Valentine's Day, when, this time having learned your lesson, you give her a big box of chocolates. As she takes them from you she says, "Are you trying to make me fat?" and then slams the door in your face. It's right about this point that you decide to invest in a bigger car.

But it's not just couples who suffer; single people can't stand Valentine's Day either. That's because every channel you turn to has some sort of sappy commercial like this playing:

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TV ANNOUNCER: "Do you ever feel like you're all alone in this world? Like no one else cares about you?"

SINGLE PERSON: "Yes."

TV ANNOUNCER: "Of course you don't! Nobody does. That's why Lube King is offering its Valentine's Day special: His-and-her oil changes for only $19.95." (Cut to: A couple laughing in the garage as they smear axle grease on each other's face.) "But hurry in because this offer only lasts one day." (Then, in that speedy disclaimer voice you often hear at the end of prescription medication ads, the announcer adds) "Single people not welcome."

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That's why this year I've decided to share with my readers, both in relationships and not, a list of pranks to pull this Valentine's Day.

Forget buying cheesy gold heart pendants, edible cowboy chaps and oversized cards, just look through these five different scenarios, find one that applies to you and knock yourself out.

SCENARIO NO. 1

Your best friend is married to somebody you can't stand.

What to do: Send flowers to their house. On the card write, "Last night was amazing" and then sign it with some ambiguous name like Chris or Sam. They'll be in a fist fight inside three minutes.

SCENARIO NO. 2

You hate your ex.

What to do: Let's say your ex's name is Elizabeth. She's dating some loser named Kevin. Through a mutual friend, anonymously give them tickets to a football game. Then, during halftime, have it arranged so that the following message appears on the big scoreboard: "Elizabeth, I love you. Will you marry me? — Kevin."

SCENARIO NO. 3

You have a friend who won't shut up about this new girl he just met.

What to do: Buy him a 12-pack of beer. After he finishes number six or seven, ask to borrow his cellphone. Casually act like you're admiring it while finding the girl in his list of contacts. Replace it with his grandmother's number. Dare him to call up his new flame and talk dirty.

SCENARIO NO. 4

Your friend is dating a complete moron.

What to do: Just like in Scenario No. 1, have flowers sent to them. Sign the card with the name of the offending moron. In the body of the note explain how you've never been happier in your entire life and then end with: "P.S. There's just something naughty and exciting about dating your own cousin."

SCENARIO NO. 5

One of your nerdy friends asks you out on a date.

What to do: Make dinner reservations for the two of you at a fancy restaurant. Pretend to have a great time. Go on several more dates, each time pretending to enjoy it more than the last. After two or three years, ask them to marry you. Then, one morning, while sitting on the toilet and clipping your toenails, turn to them and say, "Oh. My. God. Did I have you going or what? Will I go out with you? HA! Good one! No way. I am completely out of your league." Of course I am only joking. You should never clip your toenails while doing this. That's just gross.

By following these easy tips, you'll find yourself looking forward to Valentine's Day in no time. In fact, in time you might even learn to love it.

After all, like somebody famous once said, "Love will conquer all."

I can't remember who it was. But as soon as I come up with his name, I'll be sure to send him and his girlfriend some tickets to the big game.

Bryce Donovan wants to remind everybody that Flag Day is right around the corner, so you'd better get shopping. For confusing gift ideas, reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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