Play dates a great way for children to socialize

Melissa Haneline
The Post and Courier

Rylee Smith (left), 6, and Ann Marie Classen, 5, clink glasses over sandwiches and Nilla Wafers. The girls took a break while playing dress-up during a recent play date at Ann Marie's house in West Ashley.

Remember the days when play was something kids did without planning ahead?

Now, with calendars full of after-school activities and many parents afraid to let their children roam the neighborhood, those days might be gone. But something else has taken their place: scheduled play dates.

Even the stars' children get their socialization this way. It seems every week there are stories about Suri Cruise, the Jolie-Pitt crew, the Beckham boys or other celebrity tots getting together for some fun.

Last year, Angelina Jolie told Glamour magazine that she first met Mariane Pearl, widow of slain journalist Daniel Pearl, over a play date for their sons that didn't start out well.

Jolie, who played Pearl in the 2007 movie "A Mighty Heart," joked to the magazine, "Mariane and I are the two worst people to plan a play date in the history of play dates." The play date involved taking their boys to a "serious, European, existential play," she said.

Things improved from there, though, and the women and their sons are now good friends and have since had many successful get-togethers.

With a little knowledge and planning, you can plan a more successful play date than Jolie.

"Play dates are a great way for kids to practice skills such as sharing, socializing and manners," says preschool teacher and mom Cindy Church of Charleston.

Developmentally, children are typically ready for play dates around age 3 or 4.

"When my children were preschoolers, I could control their play dates," says Amy Hilton of Charleston, a mother of daughters ages 8 and 10. "They played with the children of friends, or kids whose families we knew through church or the neighborhood."

Around age 4 or 5, though, they started making friends with kids in their classes at school.

"Then they wanted to play with kids whose parents I didn't always know," she says. "That's a bit more of a challenge."

Before you let your child go on a play date, do your homework.

"My girls would sometimes come home from school and say that someone invited them over or they wanted to invite someone over, but I wouldn't let them until I met the parents," Hilton says. "Sometimes, I would call the other parent and say that our daughters seem to have become friends and want to get together, and suggest meeting somewhere like the playground or Chuck E. Cheese's. That gave me a chance to see how our kids play together while getting to know the other mom."

It's often best to meet on neutral ground the first time.

"In this day and age, you can't just let your child go to someone else's home without knowing them first," Church says.

Melissa Haneline
The Post and Courier

Rylee and Ann Marie get some fresh air on the Classens' backyard slide during their play date.

Some things you might want to know about the other family and their home include:

--Who lives in the home?

--Does the child have any siblings?

--Who will be home while your child is there?

--Are there any smokers in the home?

--What kind of pets do they have?

--What types of activities will the children do?

--If they will watch TV or movies, are they shows that you approve of?

--What types of snacks or meals will they have?

--Are there guns in the home?

If your child has allergies or other health issues, you need to make sure the other parent knows what they are and what to do if a problem arises.

"Sometimes, after talking to my child about their friends or even meeting the other parent, I realize that I'm not comfortable letting my child go to their house," says Leslie Harris of Summerville, whose daughter is allergic to pet dander. "In those cases, we keep the play dates one-sided. I explain to the other mother why my daughter can't go to their house, and they usually understand."

There are some guidelines for hosting play dates, too.

When the friend arrives, spend a few minutes showing him around and telling him the house rules. Mention things such as where the kids can play or what kinds of things they are allowed to do.

"Even though your child knows he's not allowed to have food or drinks in his bedroom, if a friend suggests it, he might go along with it, so it's important to make sure the friend knows the rules, too," Church says.

Before the friend arrives, talk with your child about what they will do together. Try to encourage active play and discourage TV and computer games. In addition, if your child has any special toys he might not want to share, put them away before the other child comes over.

"We've also found it best to just have one friend over at a time," Harris says. "More than that, and there tend to be problems."

Whether your child is going to someone else's house or having someone over, it's best to set a time limit for the play date. Younger children can usually only tolerate 60-90 minutes, while elementary school children might play well for 2-3 hours. Those times could get longer as children become more comfortable playing together.

"When they were in preschool, they still needed a nap in the afternoon, so we usually tried to plan around that," Hilton says. "That meant if the play date was right after school got out at noon, it would end by 1:30 or 2. Otherwise, we'd get together later in the afternoon."

Set out expectations for the end of the play date early on. Otherwise, it can be a particularly difficult time, especially if the children are tired.

"I let them know at least 15 minutes before the other mother is supposed to be there that it's time to start cleaning up," says Harris. "Emma knows that she is expected to help clean up at her friends' houses and her friends are expected to help clean up here. If they don't do that before the friend leaves, then it's up to her to do it afterward. Since she really doesn't like it when that happens, she's pretty good about making sure it gets done while her friend is still here."

Giving a warning that the play date is nearing its end also helps the children with the transition. If you are the parent of the visiting child, be sure to arrive on time.

"I like to talk to the other mom for a few minutes to find out how things went," says Hilton.

"But sometimes if you talk too long, the kids start playing again and then it's harder to separate them and leave, so I try to be quick about it. I'll call the other mom later in the day to thank her and hear any details."

Finally, don't feel bad if the play date doesn't go well.

"Once or twice, we have had a friend over and the kids didn't get along, or they discovered they really don't have much in common outside of school," Church says.

"If they are fighting, I try to let them work it out themselves as long as it's not out of hand. If they just can't find anything to do together, I might step in and try to help out. There's no guarantee that every play date will be successful."

Brenda Rindge can be reached at 937-5713 or at brindge@postandcourier.com.