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How to avoid ending up on 'Project Runaway'

File/Staff
The Post and Courier

Just keep in mind you're taking fashion advice from this guy.

When it comes to fashion, most people don't have a clue. For instance, my father, who shall remain nameless, often likes to wear mock turtlenecks. This is a bad choice for several reasons, the most notable being:

1. Um, it's a mock turtleneck.

But believe it or not, the goal of this column isn't to pick on my father (that's what we in the newspaper business like to call "a bonus"), rather it's supposed to help people like yourself avoid committing fashion no-nos, such as these when stepping into public.

Right now you might be asking yourself, "Bryce, what do YOU know about fashion?" Well, not to brag or anything, but when I was 10 years old I used to model "A-Team" licensed underwear for a prominent department store. This brief foray in fashion led to many career opportunities, the highlight of which was being made fun of by my classmates for roughly the next 14 years.

So let's just say I know a thing or two about being publicly humiliated thanks to poor fashion choices. So sit back, take a sip of your coffee and carefully read these fashion Do's and Don'ts before leaving the house. You'll thank me for it. Even if it means throwing out all your favorite mock turtlenecks.

--DO wear shirts that fit. Guys, I'm talking to you on this one. Look, I know you like to show off the guns, but even my grandmother looks ripped in a youth extra small. Find a size made for a grown-up.

--DON'T wear anything seersucker after Labor Day. On second thought, don't wear it before Labor Day either.

--DO match hose with shoes. Note the spelling of the word "hose."

--DON'T wear socks with sandals. Yes, even if you're German.

--DO invest in a good pair of eyeglasses. Since you'll probably be blind when you buy them, be sure to take along someone who can warn you if they: A) don't fit your face properly, B) look cheap or C) make you look like Elton John.

--DON'T wear a sweater tied around your waist to cover up your big caboose. It's not Harry Potter's magic invisibility cloak, it's a SWEATER. Even a 5-year-old knows that another layer of clothing makes something look bigger, not smaller.

--DO take care of unsightly body hair. Nothing scares people quicker than if they think you're hiding Gene Shalit under your shirt. I'm talking to you Aunt Wilma.

--DON'T wear sunglasses the size of a standard automobile windshield. Listen ladies, we know you want to look glamorous and all, but get a new purse or rent a couple of snow leopards. Big glasses are out.

--DO wear shorts that are long enough. Guys, nothing looks stupider than wearing shorts that look like they belong on the NBA's 1973 player of the year.

--DON'T, under any circumstances, wear a fanny pack. For those of you out there saying, "But where in the heck am I supposed to carry my backup fanny pack then?" I'm going to need you to simply trust me on this one.

--DO you really need a chain for your wallet? Here's a hint: No.

--DON'T sport your phone, pager, handheld GPS, PDA, iPod on your belt. You're a banker, not Batman.

By simply following these easy tips you'll be a fashion icon in no time. Especially if you stand next to my dad.

Bryce Donovan is being written out of his father's will at this very moment. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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