Children try to stay out of trouble and please their mother

Fortunately, my kids like me. I can use this to my advantage in a lot of ways.

The other day we were at a baseball game. It was chilly out, so I insisted that my 6-year-old daughter, Maria, wear her jacket. She didn't want to and saw that another little girl didn't have to wear her jacket. "Look, Mama, that girl doesn't have to wear her jacket." I told her that as her mother, I would decide what was best for her and if she preferred the decisions of another mother, she certainly could look for a better mother. There is a point at which this doesn't work. I think the age at which this changes is somewhere between 13 and 16. If I were to try this tactic on my 19-year-old, he would be looking for a better mother.

I don't have a real problem with my children asking for a lot. I set expectations before we ever leave the house. "We need to run to the store. I am not buying any toys today. Don't ask." I'm not always an ogre. As a matter of fact, more often than not, I do buy them something. I'll tell them they can get a new swimming suit or new school shoes or a treat. Rarely do we get toys, with the exception of stuffed animals.

I'm very lucky that my kids really want to be good. In church, the biggest problem I have is that they sing so loud because each one of them wants to be heard the most. Misbehavior is dealt with immediately.

I must admit that Maria has a self-control problem in kindergarten. She just can't be quiet. Two to three times a week she gets her "Behavior bear" turned around. Maria's teacher gives my husband a thumbs up or thumbs down whenever he picks her up. She's gotten better, though, since K4, when long notes would come home about Maria hugging everyone or not using her quiet feet. I don't think she encounters many situations at home where she has to be quiet, and in those cases, I'm certain I've had to threaten her life. She's also my only chatty whisperer in church, as I'm always hushing her.

I don't think all disobedience is misbehavior. In some cases, children just need a little proof. "Don't touch that stove. It's really hot." I turn around and that child is grimacing and holding his finger. When I was growing up in Montana, my mother told me, "Don't lick that frozen pole. Your tongue will stick." It is really hard to resist the frost on a flagpole. You don't lick the pole because your mother said not to. You do it because it looks delicious. If you do it more than once, it's really hard to explain. So, I accept that if something is really important to me, I'll demonstrate.

When Maria was old enough, I showed her the stove was hot. I turned it on and held her hand above it so she wouldn't burn her hand, and said, "See, it's hot. Don't touch."

I had a problem with my children running into parking lots, especially after church. They didn't understand that they were small enough that people backing up couldn't see them through their rear-view mirror. So, I had each one of them stand behind my van. I took the other children and sat them in the driver seat and asked them if it was safe to back up. When they said yes, I had them go and look out the back window. Isaac said, "We just killed Maria." Then I went behind the van and hollered at them to do the same. They said, "We can see you."

I'm sure glad my children are afraid of getting in trouble or at least like me enough that they want to make me happy. They are so much fun to watch growing up.

Lisa Brown is a Mount Pleasant working mother of five children ages 6-19. E-mail her at lbrown@postandcourier.com.