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Following these tips can be taxing

This week's topic: Tax tips from the pros.

Playing the role of tax professional will be me.

OK, so I don't technically have what most people would call "formal tax training" or "a clue what I'm talking about," but how hard can it be to help people with their taxes? I mean, not to brag or anything, but I got a C-plus in Mr. Connor's 10th-grade statistics class without really even trying that hard. Sure, I was the only 32-year-old in there, but still, it came pretty naturally to me.

So let's get to the task at hand: With April 15 right around the corner, now is the time to start thinking about ... What? You're joking. Are you sure you're looking at the right month?

OK, so it's just been brought to my attention that the deadline for filing your 2007 income taxes was actually two days ago. But fear not, my loyal readers, that's just the date you have to file them by legally.

So scrounge up all your Burger King receipts, find a pay stub from this year (preferably), and let's get cracking. Simply follow these bulletproof tax filing tips and you'll be incarcerated in no time.

DO THEM YOURSELF.

Everybody seems to be singing the praises of their certified tax adviser. Don't listen to them! Sure these so-called "advisers" might charge "extremely reasonable rates" and "guarantee bigger refunds," but where is the fun in that? Plus, every time tax advisers come to a question they don't know the answer to, they waste valuable time researching the answer. Whereas, if you do your own taxes, you can simply put a zero in the blank and get back to more important things, like watching "Who's the Boss?"

FILE EARLY.

Instead of sending in 2007's tax return late (in which case you'd probably be assessed some sort of financial penalty), be the first to file your 2008 tax return. You'd be surprised how easily a seven can turn into an eight.

DON'T FORGET TO CLAIM CHILDREN.

This might sound like a no-brainer, but claiming a child on your tax return can add up to $3,000 on your refund. A little piece of advice though: To avoid an awkward situation later, always let your neighbor know you plan on claiming their kids.

CONSIDER OTHER FILING OPTIONS.

The federal government is always pushing their "online filing" and "file by mail" methods. What they don't want you to know are the other, easier ways to file. Mainly because they are illegal. For instance, did you know that you also can file your tax return by:

--Fax.

--Telegram (standard or singing).

--Carrier pigeon.

--Word of mouth.

--Osmosis.

--The end of the next calendar year.

ASK FOR YOUR RETURN IN CANADIAN DOLLARS.

I'm surprised more people don't do this. Not only do you get way more dollars, but you also end up saving more because most American retailers don't take Canadian money.

IF IN DOUBT, LEAVE IT OUT.

Wondering what the standard deduction is for running a successful pyramid scheme? Not sure if you get a tax credit for performing all of your family's dental work yourself? Think "My '99 Honda Accord" sounds like a good answer for "estimated gambling losses"?

Do the right thing and omit it. After all, the government will only start asking more annoying questions if you tell them you have your own moonshine still in the basement.

BONUS TIP: When filing jointly, always make sure you have a spouse.

Got a tax question for Bryce? Yeah, we didn't think so.

Bryce Donovan has been audited only five times. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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