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Annoying entrants are running out of chances

Tyrone Walker
The Post and Courier

Bryce is in there somewhere, probably complaining about something.

Every year in Charleston we have a little event called the Cooper River Bridge Run. It's an awesome experience because you and 30,000 other people get to look out over a beautiful city from the highest point on a crisp Saturday morning that is filled with chirping birds, gentle breezes and elbows digging into your side because there are too many of you on the bridge at the same time which sets the tone for the sheer madness that is the finish line where you will end up fighting with a bunch of 6-year-olds over unripe bananas so that you can at least have something to munch on while waiting in line for two hours to catch a shuttle bus back to Mount Pleasant, where you pray your car wasn't towed because you ended up having to park in somebody's front yard because half the roads were closed in an effort to accommodate all the people who have no business being entered in this race in the first place.

Q. Are you done?

A. Yes.

Q. Not to gun down your theory Bryce, but I checked the run times online, and it took you nearly 70 minutes to finish the race. Don't you think you might be part of the problem, too?

A. Shut up.

OK, so yes, I might be "slow" and "uncoordinated," but this column isn't about me, Mr. Smarty Pants, it's about you. And since you probably don't think I'm talking to YOU, I've devised a method to actually determine whether that's the case.

So grab a No. 2 pencil (HA! I said "No. 2"), a Gatorade and take this running quiz to see if you know what you're doing or if you're a speed bump.

1. When the starting gun is fired, I typically:

A. Take off at a nice pace, being careful not to step on the heels of the person in front of me.

B. Run to the outside so as to avoid the congestion in the middle.

C. Wolf down the last four of five bites of my breakfast burrito.

2. My running shoes are:

A. The newest and best ones available.

B. So light I can barely tell I'm wearing them.

C. Technically golf spikes.

3. The best time I ever had in the Bridge Run was:

A. Under 40 minutes.

B. Under 50 minutes.

C. When Jason and I drank like six bloody marys a piece and then tipped over that Port-A-John with the cocky runner inside who had the nerve to ask us, "So, how'd you guys do?" Jerk.

4. I cannot run the Bridge Run without my lucky:

A. Hat.

B. T-shirt.

C. Ford Taurus.

5. When running the Bridge Run, I'm always on the lookout for:

A. Someone running at a similar speed so I can use them to pace myself.

B. Mile markers so I can determine what kind of pace I'm running.

C. Corndog vendors.

6. Running clubs are perfect for:

A. Meeting runners of similar running abilities.

B. Knowing when races are in your area.

C. Hitting slower runners with.

7. After the race is over, I always end up stretching:

A. My hamstrings.

B. My calves.

C. My good jean shorts.

8. The thing that helps me most during the Bridge Run is:

A. The cheers from the people on the sidewalks.

B. The feeling of camaraderie among my fellow runners.

C. A map.

9. Running four laps around a standard-length high school track is:

A. One mile.

B. 1,600 meters.

C. Impossible.

10. I was born in:

A. Kenya.

B. Great Britain.

C. Wal-Mart.

How to score yourself

If you answered C fewer than two times, congratulations, you're a serious runner. If you answered C two to four times, chances are you're an average runner. And if you answered C more than four times, well, I'm guessing that was probably you running in front of me in the lobster costume.

So let this be a lesson to all the slow pokes out there: If you get in my way again next year, I will not hesitate to use my runner's club.

Bryce Donovan is considering slipping his race chip in the back pocket of one of the Kenyans next year. Reach him at 937-5938 or bdonovan@postandcourier.com.

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